The last reason I think that divorce should be openly acknowledged at the time of marriage is that acknowledging the possibility of divorce creates the proper “mindset” for dealing with logistical decisions during the marriage. A ‘this is forever” mindset prompts people to make decisions that they may regret later if the marriage does not turn out to be lifelong. For example, partners may make serious career sacrifices, not pursue further education, or geographically relocate based on the assumption that they are in a lifelong partnership. If it turns out that the marriage only lasts ten years, for instance, it is hard to make up for those life detours. Admittedly, it is impossible to have a successful marriage without both people making compromises and decisions to accommodate the other person’s needs. It also makes no sense to live in constant anxiety wondering “What if this marriage ends?” What I am proposing is some healthy middle ground; simply keeping the possibility of divorce in the back of your mind when making “life course altering” decisions, and having a contingency plan.

Considering the possibility of divorce is particularly necessary when children are involved. When people operate from the assumption that their marriage will be life-long, they do not give enough thought to how they will deal with parenting their children in the event of divorce. As a result of this lack of forethought, divorcing parents often feel extremely angry and confused about how to deal with their relationships with their children after divorce. In addition, ex-spouses are sometimes so bitter about their divorces that they allow this bitterness to affect how they deal with their children.

Quite often the father/child relationship is greatly diminished after divorce because the mother has negative feelings about her ex-husband. Divorced mothers often greatly limit the father's access to the children. In addition, when a divorced mother remarries, she often tries to make her new husband into a new father for the children, and tries to discourage the children from pursuing a close relationship with their biological father. The biological father's relationship is also sometimes diminished because the mother decides to move across the country. Many divorced women make no attempt to coordinate their lives with the children's father so that he can continue to be near his children. The father/child relationship may deteriorate to nothing more than a two week visit once a year and long distance phone calls.

An equally sad situation often happens to the father/child relationship after divorce: the mother may want the father to continue his fathering role, but he may participate very little after the divorce. When this happens, the mother is placed in the difficult situation of trying to play both mother and father to her children. In addition, fathers too often cut off their financial support to the children after divorce. The family courts are full of cases of divorced mothers unsuccessfully trying to collect child support payments.

You may be muttering to yourself as you read this "Even if people acknowledge divorce as a possibility in their marriage ceremonies, divorce will always be traumatic and detrimental for children." I agree that divorce is difficult for children. First there are the logistical problems inherent in divorce. Divorced families are often burdened financially with the cost of maintaining two households that provide enough space for the children to live in half the time, virtually doubling the family's housing costs. For the majority of families this added stress on the budget will be sorely felt. If they can't afford the luxury of dual houses, completely outfitted with a room set aside for half-time resident children, one parent ends up living in a "single-person sized" living space, where it is difficult for the children to feel "at home". The non-custodial parent never again really feels that he/she lives with his/her children; they just come to visit and sleep on the couch. In addition, if the divorced parents do not live in the same immediate neighborhood, the children often come to resent being carted back and forth twice a week such that their relationships with friends, and their general social connections, are regularly disrupted. Going to the non-custodial parent's house every weekend loses its appeal, when it means you miss the school dance or activity or can't be on the baseball team because Dad and Mom live 50-100 miles apart.

Then there is, of course, the complex, painful feelings the children experience during and after divorce. There is no doubt about it, it is very emotionally painful for children to have their family ripped apart. It is also very emotionally confusing for children that two people who they love and are deeply connected to no longer love one another. Younger children often wonder if the divorce is somehow their fault. Then there is just the simple fact that there is suddenly one parent instead of two available on a daily basis to meet a child’s emotional needs.

Despite the substantial difficulties inherent in divorce, a significant percentage of couples continue to divorce. Though some people look at divorcing parents as irresponsible and unhealthy persons who don't care about the well-being of their children, my experiences with divorcing/divorced couples have left me convinced that only a small percentage of divorcing couples fit this description. Most divorcing couples are extremely concerned about how divorce will affect the emotional well-being of their children. Most parents have agonized over whether or not to end their marriage, and made many sincere attempts to salvage their marital relationship before resorting to divorce.

What leads these couples to choose divorce, despite its drawbacks, is the conclusion that all things considered, divorce is the best option. These couples decided that the negative effects on the children must be measured and weighed against the negative effects of remaining in an incompatible marriage. In evaluating the pros and cons of divorce it is important to consider that a seriously unhappy marriage creates a very unhappy and stressful home. Though the spouses may try as hard as they can to make the best of their situation "for the sake of the children" the negative energy seems to hang in the air. Children are amazingly perceptive and are always quite aware of the difficulties between the parents. At its worst, the problems between the parents escalate into frequent heated arguments and/or physical abuse. However, even when couples in dissatisfying marriages are able to refrain from overt fighting, they cannot keep their discontent from putting a constant oppressive damper on the household. My experiences with divorcing couples lead me to conclude that it takes more than an intact family to raise well adjusted children; it takes a happy home. When a happy, intact family isn't an option, I have seen evidence to support the contention that happy, divorced parents can make better parents than unhappily married couples.

When parents are happy with themselves and their lives, these positive feelings enable them to be more loving, nurturing, attentive, and playful with their children. The reality is depressed, dissatisfied, and unfulfilled people make lousy parents. When a parent's own needs aren't being met, they feel in no mental state to be giving to others. The old reasoning of staying together "for the sake of the children" can, in fact, sometimes backfire. If you do something "for the sake of the parents"-- release them from a miserable marital situation-- it will increase their emotional health so they can be more giving to their children.