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We Need to Remove the Sexism from Marriage Rituals


Marriage ceremonies, through the centuries, have fostered extremely unequal relationships between husbands and wives. The traditional marriage rituals of our culture are of Judeo-Christian origin. The following verses from The Bible (still in use in conservative churches) give you a feel for how Christianity viewed women through the ages:

"Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives...Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

The Bible, Revised Standard Edition, Ephesians, Chapter 5, Verses 22-25,28,33.

"Likewise you wives, be submissive to your husbands, so that some, though they do not obey the word, may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, when they see your reverent and chaste behavior. Let not yours be the outward adorning with braiding of hair, decoration of gold, and wearing of fine clothing, but let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable jewel of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. So once the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves and were submissive to their husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord...Likewise you husbands, live considerately with your wives, bestowing honor on the woman as the weaker sex, since you are joint heirs of the grace of life..."

The Bible, Revised Standard Edition, I Peter, Chapter 3, Verses 1-7.

These verses are quite blatant in assigning a subservient role to wives. Whereas men are directed to love their wives, women are directed to obey their husbands. The feminist movement of the 1970's inspired some reform in marriage rituals and customs in this country. For instance, most women began demanding that the word "obey" be removed from traditional marriage vows. I think most of the overt sexism has been eliminated from marriage rituals at this point in time.

However, marriage rituals are still sexist in subtle ways. The most obvious example of sexism is the custom of women taking their husbands' names when they marry. The women's liberation movement prompted some women to challenge this custom along with the custom of classifying women as married/unmarried by the salutation Miss/Mrs. However, the majority of women still assume their husband's name when they marry.

I am continually saddened and angered that most women do not recognize to what degree they are compromising their individuality by participating in this oppressive custom. Feminist leaders of the 1800's cried out for reform regarding this issue during the first women's liberation movement:

"...When a slave escapes from a southern plantation, he [or she] at once takes a name as the first step in liberty--the assertion of individual identity. A woman's dignity is equally involved in a lifelong name, to mark her individuality. We cannot over-estimate the demoralizing effect on woman herself, to say nothing of a society at large, for her to consent to merge her existence wholly in that of another."

Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Proceedings of the Second Woman's Rights Convention, Rochester, New York, August 2, 1848, cited in Stanton, Anthony and Gage History of Woman's Suffrage, vol. 1, p. 80.

The issue of names was addressed during the civil rights movement of the 1960's. The inspirational leader Malcolm X called upon his black brothers and sisters to discard the white names they had inherited from their centuries in slavery. A good number of black families have stopped naming their children white folks' names and have come up with their own unique names. Not only is claiming a new name for oneself often a part of personal liberation, but assuming new names has been part of the process of liberation for whole groups of people: "Black" and "Afro-American" have replaced "Negro", and "Native American" has replaced "Indian", as part of these people's struggle for equality.

Given the significance of names, I am very puzzled as to why so many women cling to the custom of giving up their names -- a custom so intricately linked to centuries of oppression of women's rights. The custom of women assuming their husbands' names was part of an entire patriarchal system which denied women the most basic of rights--the right to own property and conduct business, the right to participate in government, and access to economic means of support. Any woman willing to do even minimal research into the origins of the custom of women assuming their husband's names will discover that this was not an act of romantic love. Women were given their husbands' names because they were considered a part of a man's property! The custom served to reinforce a husband's total dominance over his wife.

We are still a long way away from women having full equal rights in our society. There are still gaps in pay, and lots of discrimination regarding promoting women to high level jobs. And we have yet to see a female president. As individuals we cannot eradicate sexism on a national level or international level. However, we have lots of power to eliminate the sexism in our own marriages. The words from a booklet I purchased as a budding feminist in the 1970's ring just as true today as they did back then:

"My husband and I see ourselves as two independent and equal people who have chosen to share our lives. Our relationship isn't one of homemaker and breadwinner, or protected and protector, but rather of two separate individuals who have in common certain interests and goals. Thus, my becoming 'Mrs. Him' would contradict not only the identities each of us has built up for him and herself, but also our definition of the relationship we have together."

Six months ago I was married and decided at that time to continue to use the name that had been mine for 29 years. I did not want to disappear from the telephone book, from the name tag on the mail box, or from charge plates. Exchanging my name for my husband's name would be a symbolic denial of all that I was before I married, and by taking his name in place of my own I would be publicly proclaiming that hereafter I would be a new person, a person with very little connection with the past. Before I married I traveled to Europe, Easter Island, Peru; I had friends, made plans, paid my bills. In other words, I was a complete person. My life did not begin at the time of my marriage. It simply became happier."

Diane Altman, Linda Roberson (1974) Booklet For Women Who Wish To Determine Their Own Names After Marriage. Barrington, Illinois: Center for a Woman's Own Name.

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