One other problem I witnessed and experienced in my experimentation with open relationships is that it’s easy to make a misjudgment about who to pursue as an auxiliary lover. You can end up getting involved in some very short-lived infatuations. And it’s not worth all the emotional upheaval when all is said and done. I would certainly encourage any person who is considering experimenting with an open relationship or marriage to be very discriminating about who you consider having as an auxiliary lover. Sexuality is a very powerful phenomenon; it can generate a lot of joy but it also has the ability to cause a lot of pain. I personally do not think it is worth opening yourself up to a lot of challenging emotions just to pursue a very short term crush or infatuation, which if not fanned, will probably dissipate rather quickly of its own accord.

However, I don’t want to come off as unequivocally rejecting the idea of sexually open relationships or marriages. I personally never figured out a way to make them work despite a keen interest in the idea. But I entertain the possibility that if everyone involved was in their own primary relationship it might have some possibility of working. This would solve the problem of the auxiliary lovers not getting enough time and focus. In a sense I guess this would be like the old “swinging” concept but with a deeper emotional component. I personally will not volunteer to step forward and experiment with this idea because there is still the energy drain issue for me. But I would be curious in hearing about other peoples’ experiences. The idea of moving beyond monogamy still holds some intrigue for me. Perhaps my interest in open relationships stems from my observations that affairs are so common. Lots and lots of people really do seem to have trouble remaining monogamous, and that makes me question whether monogamy is too limiting, but we just haven’t figured out how to successfully move beyond it. I don’t know. I have no answers; just failed personal experiences. I’ll leave further exploration to the next generation!

Author’s Note: In the 1995 edition of this book I provided interviews from several couples in open marriages. As it turns out, all but one of those couples have since divorced. Learning of these divorces, along with subsequent research and personal experiences, have curbed my enthusiasm regarding sexually open marriages and relationships. I therefore rewrote this section to reflect my current perspective on this issue.