The second major difference is that these ceremonies acknowledge the possibility of divorce. That may sound like a real bizarre idea, but after twenty-five years of researching the matter, I conclude it is the sanest way we can deal with marriage and divorce. For an in-depth discussion of this matter please see the section in the first part of this chapter entitled “Letting Go of the Marriage is Forever Myth.” The condensed version of what I discussed in that section is that in this day and age, a significant percentage of marriages will not be lifelong, oftentimes through no fault of the marriage partners. Given this fact, our marriage rituals need to be updated. It is imperative that we adapt our marriage rituals to reflect the reality of peoples’ lives in the twenty first century. I’ve heard all the arguments about discussing divorce undermines the marriage and increases the likelihood of divorce, and I find no validity in these arguments. Vowing to remain together “till death do us part” has not stopped millions of people from later deciding to divorce, so acknowledging the fact that divorce is a possibility, if irreconcilable differences develop, can certainly do no harm, and in fact has many benefits.

Acknowledging the possibility of divorce at the time of marriage helps people to mentally and emotionally prepare for all the complexities of divorce if they are faced with it. A marriage ceremony is the most logical time and place to ask a couple to make some pledges that they will end the relationship they are beginning in a healthy and appropriate manner, if that becomes necessary. A public ceremony is a golden opportunity for the couple to pledge before their family, friends, and community that, if they ever decide to terminate their marriage, they will treat one another with respect and caring during that process. Considering the large percentage of bitter divorces, we are in desperate need of strategies to help couples cope with divorce without vicious anger and expensive lawyer fees. Hopefully, having the family and friends witness the couples’ vows to treat one another respectfully if they divorce, will inspire the couple’s community to likewise not “take sides” in a destructive kind of way.

Some people may mourn the end of days gone by when married people were so sure they would remain together that they bought husband/wife cemetery plots. I am very much aware of how unhappy some of those fifty-year marriages of the past were. People did not always stay together because they were happy; they simply had no option to end their marriages. Some people are able to remain happily married to the same person for their entire lives; it’s an amazing and beautiful experience when it happens that way. However, some people develop irreconcilable differences and would be doing themselves and their partner a great disservice to remain together. The divorce rate is a trade off: People no longer have the security of forever, but they have the freedom to end an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage.

Other ways these ceremonies are different is that I try to give a more active role to the witnesses. Witnesses are asked to make a statement that they believe the two people have an earnest intention to build a healthy marriage. I don’t mean that the witness is guaranteeing the success of the marriage; he/she is simply stating publicly that he/she believes the couple has a genuine intent to create a positive relationship. Requiring an active witness can be a “reality check”. If none of your close friends are willing to serve as witnesses in your wedding, its some powerful feedback that you may be making a bad decision to marry. The ceremonies also address whether or not the couple intends to become parents; this is not an automatic given as it was fifty years ago. However, parenthood is not addressed in any depth because I have designed a separate Parenting Partnership Ceremony to address the issue of parenting.

The issue of sexual fidelity is mentioned in a little more depth than in typical wedding ceremonies. Monogamy is a given in a traditional religious marriage an automatic “decree from God.” In a secular ceremony, it makes sense for the couple to specifically state why whey are making a pledge of monogamy. If we’re not being monogamous because God told us we have to, then why are we? In the first edition of this book, I discussed the possibility of sexually open marriages. I have since given up on that idea (see discussion under Sexually Open Marriages). I now believe that when all is said and done, monogamy is, by far, the best option.